


#nudes

by neversaydie



Series: "Disney did what?!" - a real Avengers, fake MCU series [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes vs Emojis, Bucky Barnes vs Snapchat, Bucky Barnes: Unrepentantly Nude, Kinda, M/M, Sam Wilson is So Done, Sam Wilson vs the Trauma Twins, Satire, Social Media, Steve Rogers: Confirmed Nerd, Steve and Bucky are mid-20s little shits, Tony Stark: memelord, Twitter, Vacation, real avengers fake MCU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 06:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7090393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Bucky can't seem to get it together to Skype their friends with the time difference between DC and Tokyo. They've ended up sending video messages for perusal at leisure rather than Facetiming Sam at three in the morning again.</p><p>They decided to get away after the whole Civil War debacle, when the producers at Disney decided it was essential to include the Winter Soldier having trigger words even after Bucky explicitly explained why that was a terrible idea. It very quickly became a meme for the general public to yell random combinations of words at him whenever he got recognised... which went about as well as you'd expect.</p><p>So they went on an extended vacation, which doesn't stop Bucky inflicting his dick upon unsuspecting superheroes, of course. </p><p>[Fake Avengers/Real MCU verse. Bucky can't seem to stop getting his nudes on the internet.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	#nudes

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by real life events. From persons who shall remain nameless.

"Hey guys!"

It's clearly night time behind Steve, the huge windows of their hotel room reflecting the lit-up room against the darkness outside. Bucky's not in shot, the reflected bed empty as Steve waves dorkily to the webcam with a grin, but the bathroom door is half-open and it sounds like the shower is running.

"Just got back from dinner. I figured I'd send you an update while Grumpy Cat's busy."

Steve and Bucky, despite being the mid-twenties-tech-obsessed little shits that they are, can't seem to get it together to Skype their friends with the time difference between DC and Tokyo. They've ended up sending video messages for perusal at leisure rather than Facetiming Sam at three in the morning again (Steve maintains it was an accident, Bucky looks way too pleased with himself and texts Sam a picture of him holding up 1-0 with his fingers a few minutes after they get off the phone). It means there are a lot fewer weird dreams in Sam's life, at least, which is good because he doesn't want to repeat the noodle-drowning nightmares Bucky espousing about different varieties of Ramen in the middle of the night had caused.

They decided to get away after the whole Civil War debacle, when the producers at Disney decided it was _essential_ to include the Winter Soldier having trigger words even after Bucky _explicitly_ explained why that was a terrible idea. Predictably, it very quickly became a meme for the general public to yell random combinations of words at him whenever he got recognised (despite the fact that it was _literally in the movie_ why that should earn them a Darwin award), which was bearable until one unfortunately accurate combination left Bucky puking his guts out behind a Starbucks while Steve gave the dressing down of a lifetime to some frat bro who seemed genuinely terrified. By how close he came to being actually murdered by the Winter Soldier or by all five-feet-five of Rogers' rage in a hulking great meatsuit, they never established, but Bucky still insists it was the latter.

The first few videos are just tourist stuff, various shots of Bucky looking sulky at museums and galleries (which Steve insists he actually loved once the camera was off) and Steve going insane over the street fashion in Harajuku (Bucky somehow talked a group of teenage girls into giving him a ganguro makeup job, which Steve fully committed to and enjoyed far too much, and Disney PR had a well-deserved field day when _that_ hit Twitter). There are also plenty of Steve's attempts to travel blog that hit YouTube, mostly with big jump cuts where Bucky started doing something unspeakable in the background to see how long it took the big dumb to notice. He's started tagging all his tweets with #capsboyfriend just to be obnoxious, and is intensely satisfied every time he gets the tag to trend.

Shirtless pics generally do it. He studiously ignores their long-suffering PR handler's emails about keeping his clothes on, because like _that_ will ever happen.

"So we went to the senso-ji… I know I'm saying that wrong, shut up Tony. Don't start another Civil War." Sam can't help snort a laugh at that, because Tony's been bombarding them all with Civil War memes since the title of the movie was announced. Apparently there are tie-in comics, which only Clint has bothered to read and refuses to discuss. "Anyway, it's a temple to the goddess of mercy. It was beautiful. Bucky cried. Not about how beautiful it was, more like because it was really… anyway. Don't tell him I told you that."

Sam raises his eyebrows and pauses the video to text Bucky four crying emojis followed by question marks. He gets a middle finger back immediately, despite the fact that it must be the middle of the night over there again, and smirks before he presses play again.

"So yeah, that was awesome." Steve glances over his shoulder when the background noise of the shower shuts off and he lowers his voice slightly. "I mean it, don't tell him I told you that. I might've taken some tourist's camera 'cause they took a picture of him, y'know, emotionally compromised. And I maybe kinda smashed it. So. Touchy subject."

Sam pauses the video again and texts Bucky back.

_Your boy is ridiculous._

_tell me somethin i dont know (_ _╯_ _°□°)_ _╯︵_ _┻━┻_

As usual, Bucky doesn't ask for clarification as to _why_ Steve is ridiculous this time in particular because it's literally always true. Sam kind of low-key ships them a little bit, not that he'd ever tell them because he'd never hear the end of it from Bucky, but he's kind of really happy that Steve is so content with the weird robot he's pretty much married to. He thinks they made Bucky way too sweet in the movies, probably through virtue of his actor's sad gay face, because the guy is way pricklier in real life and thinks he's too funny for his own good.

_Why are you even awake??_

_gettin dick 3== >\--0_

_STOP TEXTING ME_

Sam drops his phone and wipes his hands on his shirt reflexively, because he does _not_ need Bucky constantly texting him while being penetrated. Again. He's already had to unfollow both of them on Snapchat, as have most of the team, although Tony mysteriously keeps following them and never comments on their explicit snap stories. Sam's pretty sure Bucky sends the guy more dick pics than he does to Steve, but there's no way he's gonna ask in case he starts receiving them himself.

There's going to be another media training weekend when Disney finds their private social media accounts, Sam can just feel it.

"Buck." Steve is calling over his shoulder in the video, because he doesn't seem to understand the concept of editing dead air out despite being way too into Photoshop lately. "You wanna come be in the video?"

"Who's it for?" Bucky ducks around the open bathroom door, the frosted glass only just saving his modesty from the waist down.

"The guys." Sam can _hear_ Steve is smiling, even when he can only see the back of his head, and he rolls his eyes because yeah, he's definitely ridiculous.

"Nah, they already know what I look like. Fuck 'em." Bucky disappears again and Steve turns back to the camera with a sheepish little smile tugging at his lips.

"He says hi." As if they didn't just fucking hear Bucky giving less than a crap about saying hi. Sam considers texting Steve some bullshit, but then remembers where his dick is right now and decides against it. "So, anyway. We're gonna go see that huge bookstore Nat recommended tomorrow, the one with the crazy wall art. Souvenir collection is well underway, Bucky found a Falcon doll that transforms into some kinda robot and insisted on getting it for you, Sam. I'll make sure it doesn't explode before we get back."

That's… oddly thoughtful of Bucky. Not that he's not a nice guy under the whole 'ooh I'm such a badass be careful around me or I might put a bullet in your asshole' act, but he usually saves his gestures of sweetness for Steve (and Wanda, who he tends to treat like an annoying little sister that he secretly likes). Sam would expect to get a gift certificate or a lightly-used dildo for a present over something he might actually appreciate, so this is new.

He's almost starting to feel warm towards Barnes, as Steve keeps talking about some park they're going to visit and it sounds like Bucky starts humming to himself as he crosses the shot wearing just a towel. That is, until Sam realises he can see _everything_ going on behind the camera reflected in the huge windows behind Steve.

"Aw no. Aw Jesus." He mutters to himself, unable to tear his eyes away from the reflected Bucky shaking his hips to whatever he's humming (sounds suspiciously like something from the _Chicago_ soundtrack). "Please don't."

"Clint, I hope you got those targets I sent. I dunno what the shipping's like. And Sam, I gotta email you about…" Steve isn't paying Bucky any attention, whatever the hell he's up to, and Sam tries to pay attention because he's being directly addressed.

That's when Bucky drops the towel, and Sam gets an eyeful of pasty naked ass.

"Aw, hell no!" He recoils from the screen, although he's sure he should be used to seeing Barnes' naked body by now. "Please don't turn—"

Bucky turns toward the window, still bopping away to himself absently, and gives the camera an eyeful of waggling, flaccid dick. That's the last straw, and Sam closes the video after he notes the playback time and texts Steve, because who knows what the fuck Barnes is going to do next.

_Look at 3:45 of the vid you sent. Do you see what I just had to see._

The response takes a few minutes to come, during which time Sam has taken the liberty of erasing the video from his hard drive and wishing he could do the same from his soul. He wonders if everyone they sent this update to has noticed the penis casually making an appearance, or if it's a special treat for him to alert the public to. Either way, Sam's going to need a hell of a lot more than a Falcon transformer doll to make up for this one. He was nearly _eating_ while he watched this.

_OMG sam im SO SORRY i didt realize OMG im so emabraed OMG_

_pls dont tell the internet OMG_

Steve is contrite and full of typos, which doesn't go very far to ease Sam's pain when he receives a Snapchat of a sweaty and obviously post-coital Bucky giggling and holding up 2-0 on his fingers a minute later.

Sam takes all his warm feelings back (well, 70% of them). Captain America's boyfriend sucks, and he's got to get two whole points back on him now.

He doesn’t get paid enough for this shit. He's definitely telling the internet. 

**Author's Note:**

> Btw: @borkyberns is Steve's URL. You don't want to know how he got it.


End file.
